Finding your Mother Oak
Helping your child when you feel triggered
Welcome to the place where childhood is unhurried and nature is filled with healing magic for everyone.
I have found her again! Mother Oak, the largest tree I have ever had the honor of wrapping my arms around. She isn’t visible from my garden in the summer but now when I enter the winter woods, she is unmistakable-the Grand Dame of the land.
I think when they were little, my children were curious but a little intimidated by her size, opting instead for the welcoming limbs of the cherry or beech tree for clambering into and dreaming.
Mother Oak beckons to me now. When I lean against her, I embrace only a tiny part of her as it would likely take four of me to completely encircle her. It feels as if she is embracing me like a round grandmother does with tissues and sweets in her apron pocket.
The other morning I could run my fingers over her ancient furrows, while my cheek found her soft moss. Today I rest my hooded cheek against her frosty trunk listening to the snowflakes whisper. Then I turn around and sink down to the earth, nestle my back into one of her folds and watch the woods fill up with snow. I exhale. I have arrived.
I am closer to her roots now, where her magic is this time of year. I listen. I am home. In the warmer months, I step outside every morning with my feet bare, toes curling in the wet grass, my heart open to the glory and the sounds of another beautiful day unfolding. I am grateful for this privilege. Just like leaning against a tree or laying fully on the grass or in the snow, I am solid, I am free.
As usual, my musings when I am in nature, which sometimes show up here, find the thread to parenting young children. How can we regularly ground and center ourselves so we can be that Oak Mother for our children?
Nature has incredible healing magic for our nervous system. Whenever we feel stressed or triggered, it can center and ground us like nothing else. It is a practice I recommend to many parents and teachers who find themselves easily triggered and often overwhelmed by the dailiness of raising small children. I also find it helpful for reconnecting to myself when I have been on the computer for too long.
Ideally, grounding can be done as a regular practice, not just when you feel stressed. This isn’t about taking a hike or a run, although those activities are beneficial. There is no destination here. It is a journey without a podcast or Spotify in your ear. A journey back to stillness so you can find your peace and know you are held and loved just as you hold and love your child. In the ultimate I dwell.
The more I lean into Mother Oak, the more I feel how we as parents can be the essence of this tree for our children. When the young child has a melt down and becomes dis-regulated, they need their parent to help them regulate their nervous system. As Mother Oak, you are taping into a still and rooted part of you that can just be present, wait and receive. This is a feminine gesture that everybody can embody regardless of the gender they identify as.
A regular practice of centering and grounding can go a long way to keep you from getting triggered most of the time. This isn’t about perfection or getting it right. There is a lot of co-regulation that happens between parent and child after all but because you are the adult here, it is necessary for you to lead the way to regulation or at least repair.
Think about your child when they crawl into your lap for a hug or your baby when they stop crying when you cradle them. You are connecting heart to heart. Being the Mother Oak requires you to be in your heart space. If you stay in your head space- you know the place: “what should I do?”, “let me just fix this by redirecting”, “I can make this a teaching moment”, “We don’t have time for this!” Etc… then essentially, to your child it is like you left the building.
Because your child responds more to your heart space and your body language, all the coaxing, explaining and emotion naming doesn’t usually help or if it does, it isn’t a lasting solution. Even if your child is a verbal communicator, it doesn’t mean they are cognizant of your verbal cues and instructions during a melt down or a zoom around the room. Dropping down onto your knees and into your heart space with patience tells your child more than words can: that you are here for them, you are their safe haven.
Here are some ways to embody the Mother Oak:
Have a daily or weekly grounding practice in nature that allows you to feel held and nurtured in stillness. It will fill your cup!
Since you obviously can’t run outside and hug a tree whenever you feel triggered, you can find small ways to center and ground in the moment. Imagining you are in the forest or favorite place in nature can help you feel rooted in the moment. I like to create gestures to accompany a part of a meditation by Tich Nhat Hanh:
I have arrived (come down to the ground)
I am home (bring your outstretched hands to your heart)
In the here and in the now (Sit still and breathe deeply)
Your child may or may not notice you are doing this. It may just be your little moment or it may be something your child is curious about and tries out for themselves.
If you feel words are necessary for your child, try just one of these:
“I am here”
“I see you”
“I love you”
Then stay open and patient. If you can remember back to your childhood when you were having a difficult moment, wasn’t that all you needed to hear?
My youngest when she was little, never wanted to be talked to or touched when she was having big moments(and they were BIG). I of course, always wanted to smooth things over for her. Still to this day, she says,”Mommy, I don’t need you to fix this. I just need you to listen”.
After the big moments pass, it is nice to create a somatic experience to integrate the emotions (your child’s and your own). This could just simply be rocking together on the floor while singing or humming. Or you could have a little dance party if you both feel up to it. Let it come naturally.
Ending with, “I feel better” might help your child express how they feel without too much pressure.
Grounding and centering in the middle of it all may be challenging at first. It is about trying and remaining open to discovering your own process and learning what supports you and your child in each moment. Finding regular time for yourself in nature will always nourish you.
I hope you find your Mother Oak.
If you need help finding more ease and joy on your parenting journey, you can sign up for parenting support here. For Parent & Child classes in the Berkshires or Hudson Valley, you can sign up here .